Strange Things & Filthy Lies – October 2020

Need extra money for Christmas? Start collecting lion poop now and beat the pesky holiday rush.

October 2020

Wendy Parker

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If you’re reading this, congratulations on making it through the murder hornets and radioactive shrimp to October 2020. For Halloween this year we’re just going out in public with unshaven legs and bare faces to scare the hell out of each other from 16 feet apart. Forget about the kids, my mental health could use some serious uplifting, and a sack full of Snickers bars thrown at me from a distance sounds pretty dang good right now.

Of course, some have had it worse. Like the poor lady who claimed on the Bigfoot Evidence YouTube page to have been saved by a Bigfoot when she wrecked her canoe and busted herself up. (Don’t act like you don’t check the Bigfoot Evidence page, because you know you do. You don’t? Well. You should.)

She never gives her name in the piece and – spoiler alert – there are no actual Bigfoots in the video, but she tells a compelling story about taking off for the woods alone to get away for a few days with a janky old canoe and her camping gear and ending up in a circle of magical poop.

(See what you’re missing when you don’t listen to the Squatchable stories? I’m tellin’ ya. Solid entertainment, for free.)

Ol’ gal claims she was dragged up onto the shore by a big, hairy creature that left her (and her gear) on the river bank. Before the creature left, it … well … it crapped a protective and possibly magical circle of Bigfoot dung around her. As the story goes, the scat kept marauding wolves from attacking her during the night. They wouldn’t cross the circle of protective poop.

(In the wolves’ defense, I’d imagine Bigfoot dung isn’t the easiest stain to remove from fur, so there’s that.)

The lady may have been saved, but she had to sit inside a circle of Bigfoot poop for her own safety until someone found her. (And you think wearing a seat belt is bad.)

Apparently she told the story to her rescuers and they gave her a ride in their boat anyway. I can’t discern if it was completely stupid or a very nice thing to do, but nonetheless, she was saved.

She did note in her retelling of the incident that Bigfoot poo smells like Honey Nut Cheerios. I have it on good authority that General Mills was completely offended by having the smell of their cereal compared to Bigfoot poo, but that’s another story (and also a filthy lie.)

This sounded like a pretty far-fetched tale until I heard about a zoo in Germany shipping jars of lion poop all over hell and creation. And it’s not just that zoo. A whole bunch of animal sanctuaries have decided to try anything to recoup this year’s losses, so they’ve started sending exotic poo from Tallahassee to Kalamazoo.

(This is the truth, too.)

Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know: putting lion poop in your garden keeps out small rodents, like rabbits and groundhogs. (Of course the question of how a rabbit from Ohio would know the poop you lay around your garden perimeter is from a lion still remains.)

I haven’t tried it because I refuse to pay for poop, much less have it shipped to my house, but the zoo website claims it works.

It seems to me a fence might be easier and less messy, but here we are.

So maybe, just maybe, Miss Honey Nut Cheerios Bigfoot Scat wasn’t completely Fruit Loops. Or not. You make your own decision. But be advised that there’s more than one retail outlet for exotic animal poo.

It probably won’t make our annual gift guide this year, but there’s an actual website called “Sh*tForYou” that sends all manner of animal poop out to annoying bosses, friends who prank you, and family members who have everything but a giant box full of elephant poop for their rose garden.

What a time to be alive, folks.

Of course, if you really want to feel alive, or at least just be thankful to make it out alive, you can always rent yourselves a round-trip weekend getaway from Talladega, Ala., to Tryon, N.C., on the Cooter Bug Express Bed and Breakfast.

Seems longtime driver Cooter “Bug” McMurtry has himself the very first traveling bed and breakfast, ever. (Names may have been changed to protect the imaginary nature of this whole sordid affair.)

Bug wrote in with a request for assistance in getting the word out about what he refers to in the letter as, “the best gol-dern ideal anyone ever had” and a strong suggestion that other drivers who may be feeling a financial pinch from the past year of insanity and above-mentioned murder-hornets try the same “ideal.” He also included a stern warning to “stay outta the Walmart parking lot in Tryon, North Cack-ka-lacky, caus’e that there is my territory.”

Unfortunately, we were unable to complete Bug’s request due to the fact that he’s been posted as a multiple-offense offender in every county health department in a four-state region of the Midwest, including the upper Michigan peninsula.

Official sanitation documents filed against him reveal Bug unlawfully used his 89’ KDub T600 as a traveling B&B, and lied about the availability of a functioning sewer system, which is absolutely required for lawful operation of a bed and breakfast in most civilized areas of the United States.

Bug’s claim that collecting his guests’ waste in glass jars and selling it online as trash can fertilizer was perfectly legal were dismissed, and he was found guilty of being gross as heck.

Bug vowed to continue his B&B operations and made the concession to only collect his own trash can fertilizer, and only when he didn’t have guests, which is pretty much all the time unless a vagrant agrees to sign a waiver saying they won’t sue him for jarring up their poo in exchange for a ride to the liquor store.

Such is life in the strange lane.

Join us next time, when we share tips for holiday decorating that are so understated they’re an overstatement, without, of course, stating the obvious. Until then, be safe, driiiiivah. STFL, over and out. LL

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