West Virginia reports possible outbreak of ‘Conveyus giganticus’
November 7, 2018
This just in: Sightings of “Conveyus giganticus” (also known as common-variety commercial truck) continue on the tranquil highways of North America. These hulking beasts are reported by eye-witnesses to be piloted by a terrifying nonverbal subspecies, sometimes referred to as a “professional drivah.”
Preliminary contact between the drivahs and modern-day transportation experts has been brief and judgy. Exasperated state and federal officials have begun consulting experts on the matter.
Joey Jerky, president and CEO of data-mining giant Not Virginia Tech, offered this sound bite, “Our mission at NVT is to provide an abundance of obvious numbers for which state and federal officials can pay an exorbitant amount of money to fold, spindle or mutilate in any way they see fit. It’s called ‘data’ and its gubmint gold-standard currency.”
Jerky leads the incredibly expensive and wholly inept panel of experts as they embark on a fact-finding mission in all the wrong places.
“Look, folks, I don’t want to cause a panic or anything, but eight out of 10 highway crashes can be attributed to someone other than these so-called ‘professional’ drivers.”
Anonymous federal officials agreed by issuing an anonymously anonymous statement on Twitter last week.
“We clearly need to invest gabillions of tax dollars to assure the crash rate climbs exponentially. Mandates to promote anything other than safety will continue to be issued until morale improves. We need someone to blame for our own ineptitude. Give NVT more dollah dollah bills”
Sally Strongbreath, founder of Citizens for Safe Levels of Lead in Soft Drinks, vowed to seek out information, regardless of pertinence or validity.
“We intend to ask every conceivable source, except for anyone who might have actual highway driving experience, to provide us with safety data and answers. We need to know why these things are multiplying.”
Strongbreath couldn’t be reached to clarify if “these things” her statement referred to were crashes involving commercial vehicles or the drivers themselves. Her office promises to get back to us at their leisure on totally unrelated matters.
Aging soap-opera star and ardent wombat rights activist Lance DeZit will head up the public misinformation and fear mongering committee. Plans for PSAs featuring DeZit have to be overpaid for with tax dollars formerly set aside for starving children in possum-ravaged areas of ancient Arkansas forests.
“My qualifications for this public service are flawless,” DeZit said. “I’ve played a rich guy who owns a trucking company, not to mention the time my character got amnesia and took a job on the docks. There were trucks used as props in one of the shots. I’ve actually touched one.”
Rounding things out, and gobbling up their fair share of press-gravy, Executive Vice President of Misinformed Motor-Millionaires, Sport Spangle plans to confirm that he has friends who are truck drivers by actually saying, in public, he has friends who are professional truck drivers.
It’s a bold move, folks. (In wholly unconfirmed, borderline slanderous, and other openly fake news, Sport’s hairdresser has recently leaked that Spangle admits to never actually knowing a truck driver personally, but did have to mingle with them in public sometimes because of his job. Hence the reason for all the Instagram likes from ruffians.)
In a not-so-shocking turn of events, historical evidence kept by ancient trucking associations prove the professional driver to be an intelligent, trainable asset to highway safety. Decades of data, stored in the scrolls and hieroglyphs once known as “paper log books” provide empirical evidence of a safe and knowledgeable lineage.
Only time will tell if the committee can race through all available funds before coming to the conclusion they need to fund further studies about why their previous studies were flawed.
Meanwhile, beware the Conveyus giganticus and their “drivahs.” They’re out there and they’re statistically less likely to harm you than anyone else on the highway. Film at 11.