The Birds have landed

“I think we’re in real trouble. I don’t know how this started or why, but I know it’s here and we’d be crazy to ignore it.” Mitch Brenner, Bodega Bay, Calif.

They’re everywhere. Lime, Scoot, Skip, Jump and Bird. No, I didn’t just have a hissy-fit, I’m talking about scooters. Not “Scooter,” a derogatory nickname for someone irritating. I’m talking about electric scooters. No, not those scooters either. Your grandma suffering from vertigo wouldn’t do well on these scooters.

I’m talking about dockless, motorized electric scooters of the two-wheeled variety. Basically kid’s toys capable of achieving speeds of up to 25 miles per hour. Hailed as the newest form of cheap, efficient inner-city transportation, these glorified toys are causing a whole lot of cities a whole lot of trouble.

It’s big money business. Apparently, big enough to risk losing a flock of Birds at a time.

See, there’s a problem. It’s the same story we’ve heard before. This specific type of scooter business isn’t specifically prohibited in any kind of specific city ordinance or traffic regulation. Consequently, a few of the scooter companies feel that makes it OK to go park a fleet of scooters wherever they want, unannounced, and open for business.

Again with the “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” mindset that irritates the crap out of me. Hey, guess what? There’s not a specific city ordinance regarding the release of feral wombats into the streets of Dayton, Ohio., but I’m pretty sure it’s implied I’d get into a whole lot of trouble if I did.

Norfolk, Va., is not having it. The city impounded 560 Bird scooters when they showed up unannounced in late August. “We are keeping the scooters in a secure facility,” city spokeswoman Lori Crouch recently told The Washington Post. Bird currently owes Norfolk more than $96,365 in fines and fees for the vehicles.

They’re not alone. Bird has amassed hundreds of thousands in fines and fees in cities from sea to shining sea. Other municipalities have acquiesced to invasion by allowing companies to operate with their blessing by adopting scooter-specific laws.

Here’s the deal. Pretty much every city with a population exceeding three has a motorized vehicle law. They also have bicycle and pedestrian laws. They have business permits that apply to everything from the Walmart to a kid’s lemonade stand. They have helmet laws, sidewalk laws and every other kind of law you can think of.

If you’re not intelligent enough to understand you’re breaking some kind of law by dropping a bunch of Zippy McDoodles any nine-eyed drunk can light on and run 25 miles per hour on down the sidewalk, then you deserve to be fined. A lot.

Of course, the scooter-pooters have absolved themselves of all litigious concerns by having enough forethought to include a “we’re not responsible” clause for nine-eyed drunks (and sober people) who ride their toys with reckless abandon. “Step right up folks, pay your dollar and enjoy the ride, because if you don’t, it ain’t our fault. We’ll be over here avoiding financial responsibility, unless of course, it involves collecting a profit.”

No, Scooter. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. No wonder you’re not able to make friends.