Startled to distraction in the name of safety

This just in: It’s unsafe to startle someone when they’re behind the wheel of a loaded commercial vehicle. It’s also distracting.

It’s called “acoustic startle reflex,” and it’s a flight reaction in mammals. The hind limbs tighten and gaze adjusts  toward the direction of threatening stimuli. You know, like when you were a little kid and your mom told you that you were gonna get a whippin’ and your butt muscles seized up when you heard the wooden spoon drawer open. Like that.

It’s widely rumored the FMCSA contacted Virginia Tech to do a study on how maniacally distracting a cacophony of bells and whistles might be in stressful driving situations. Unfortunately, Virginia Tech was busy doing a study for the FMCSA on why the FMCSA should have Virginia Tech do every single study they’ve ever paid for, and they couldn’t take the job.

Further efforts to gather empirical evidence on detrimental driving effects of a robot-voice repeating, “Oh, my God, you’re going to die!” every 26 seconds were delayed by a lack of willing test-driver participants. This in turn triggered an automatic response of, “If no one wants it, mandate it,” among pedestrians and various bona fide bone-headed lawmakers.

Recent reports regarding an alarming increase in driver’s seat upholstery replacement can be directly traced to newer model trucks that have the “scream at inappropriate moments” feature. This not-optional option keeps the commercial driver alert by issuing a blood-curdling scream through premium Bose speakers at randomly placed intervals during their work day.

Unfortunately, no previous data was collected to study the effects this level of alertness has on bowel and bladder function of human beings. (Everyone knows truck drivers aren’t always human beings. Even the DOT says so.)

Future levels of safety automation being considered might include seat belts embedded with electrodes capable of frying squab while also alerting drivers to blind-spot vehicles.

Although a completely inappropriate measure of control, it can also be cited as a healthy-lifestyle cooking utensil. A multi-pronged purpose gives this Pavlovian nightmare twice the chance to be picked up by uninformed health and safety groups as a pet project and passed into law.

Statistics collected from the Laundry Handlers of America indicate absolutely nothing related to safe driver statistics. Consequently, data will need to be collected to understand this phenomenon. In a completely predictable turn of events, the contract to do so was awarded to none other than Virginia Tech.

In other news, mega-churn fleets who ask for all this mess continue to complain about driver shortages. Meanwhile, as mandated “safety” features proliferate, commercial crash statistics climb. It doesn’t take awarding a contract to Virginia Tech to see those numbers aren’t adding up.