One of these is not like the other

April 25, 2018

Wendy Parker


A long time ago (last month), in a galaxy far, far away (Arlington, Va.), life forms from another planet fired a warning shot, aimed directly at the trucking industry.

From the safety of his space station on the planet “ATA,” Lt. Cmdr. Costello released a vicious stream of “numbers with context.” (This was, of course, after he determined who actually was “on first base” all these years.)

Further investigation of the blast by industry professionals (also known as “real truck drivers”) revealed not-so-shocking insight into weaponry used by this alien race.

Studies concluded “warning shot” numbers to be fatally flawed.

Apparently, the norm on planet ATA is to omit information, so these vicious numbers appear even more threatening (also known as “lying”). Lt. Cmdr. Costello let his stream of extrapolation loose, but failed to include within it the most basic numbers.

Because sometimes, issuing warning shots from another planet is hard. (Also, the lieutenant commander might want to have his stream checked for lead paint and other pesky brain-retardants. You know, for safety and all.)

Fortunately, intelligent life exists within the CDL universe.

And believe it or not, people who have even driven a truck for a living, remain vocal and prepared to defend their home planet (also known as “highways and byways of America”).

So the next time Lt. Cmdr. Costello decides to strap a laser beam to a shark and aim it at truckers, remember this: there are over 400,000 CDLs issued in America each year. No amount of otherworldly intervention or extrapolation is necessary to understand we have an abundance of human beings interested in driving a truck for a living.

There is no driver shortage.

The shortage lies within minds of people completely alien to what a commercial vehicle looks like on the inside. The “if ya’ got ’em, smoke ’em” version of driver retention must be addressed. Churn, not shortage, is the Death Star in this universe.