Mysteries of the trucking universe

October 12, 2018

Wendy Parker

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Consider, if you will, the following short soliloquies of two trucking-universe mysteries that don’t seem so mysterious anymore.

Act I

If a tree falls at the truck stop counter of knowledge, does anyone agree on hearing it? Or do they spend the rest of the day debating what kind of tree it is?

Driver No. 1: “Anyone hear that?”

Driver No. 2: “It appears a tree has crashed through the roof.”

Driver No. 3: “That’s no tree. It’s a conifer. I can tell from the woody vegetation and spiky cones.”

Driver No. 4: “Your mom is woody vegetation. I’ll fight you over it.”

Driver No. 1: “Speaking of vegetation, anyone else get the collard greens? Are they salty? I can’t tell because there’s a conifer in my collards.”

Driver No. 2: “No, it was definitely a tree. Trees and conifers are the same thing.”

Driver No. 3: “Google it. Conifers are green year-round and produce sticky sap.”

Driver No. 4: “Your mom is green year round. I’ll fight you over it.”

Driver No. 1: “How am I supposed to eat these collard greens with a tree in my way?”

(end scene)

As silly as this representation might seem, every person who has ever witnessed a vehement argument at the counter of knowledge knows these people actually exist. They always have, and they always will.

Here’s the reality.

Trees are falling all around the trucking industry, and they have been for a very long time. Whether or not we agree on what kind of tree it is, the fact remains they impede all of us in one way or another. Irresponsible regulation is just as effective as a Jersey wall roadblock.

It’s time to stop debating tree-type and get to debris removal in a cohesive, effective manner. Backbiting and snarking about who did what when is not beneficial. It really doesn’t matter if the hole in your roof was caused by a pine or a birch.

Roof repair don’t care, y’all. It’s all hands on deck and working together, or everyone stands around yelling about the damage. Choose your crew but don’t cry about it when you get soaked in the next storm.

Act II

Are lullabies more soothing when they’re screamed through an electronic time device? Let’s ask Larry, who’s currently trying to find a parking spot in Spokane with nine minutes left on his clock.

Electronic log: “Larry, your hours of service are about to expire. Park this truck now, or suffer the consequences.”

Larry: “Expire? Holy crap, time clock, there are four parking spaces available in all of Spokane. Cut me a break, wouldja?”

Electronic log: “Clearly you didn’t hear me the first time, so I’m going to interject with some loud beeps and red exclamation points that aren’t distracting at all. You have three minutes, Larry.”

Larry: “There’s one! I can get it if I run 80 mph through the parking lot!”

Electronic log: “I’m going to ignore your elevated heart-rate and continue to harass you with a second-hand countdown. This will likely increase your blood pressure and adrenal response to maximum overdrive. You have 15 seconds, Larry.”

Larry: “I made it with one second to spare! I’m so jacked up on flight-or-fight response, I’ll never sleep!”

Electronic log: “WHY ARE YOU AWAKE LARRY? You have 10 hours to sleep, but I’m not going to stop randomly clucking and blinking, because I’m a machine and I don’t understand what ‘sleep’ means. Rest well, Larry.”

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Odds are, Larry isn’t going to get restorative, restful sleep after experiencing a race with the clock that is unfortunately too familiar to many drivers.

Here’s a fact I can speak on with a modicum of professional knowledge and authority. As a licensed practical nurse who spent her nursing career in long term and restorative care, I can attest to the fact that forced sleep patterns are not restorative. In fact, prolonged interruption of natural sleep patterns can contribute to a number of health issues.

Restful, restorative sleep is dictated by personal circadian rhythms as unique to each individual as a fingerprint. You will never find a perfect solution to regulate hours of rest.  You can, however, give an individual flexibility in their schedule to help accommodate their personal peak recuperative hours. As a nurse in a long-term care facility, you are compelled by law to do so, for the benefit and safety of your client.

So there you have it in a nonmysterious nutshell.

(Cue Driver No. 4 from Act I, yelling, “Your mom is a mysterious nutshell. I’ll fight you over it.” Just let them finish so the grown-ups can talk again. Patience is a virtue and neglecting to feed their fire with any kind of response requires more than a fair amount of it.)

We’re all different but we’re all the same.

Some of us have been aware and vocal about the issues that affect drivers for decades, some have just joined the fight. Some are still sitting at the counter of knowledge with a tree in their collards, wondering who’s going to clean up the mess.

Bless their hearts.