Slight Detour – June 2024

This edition of Slight Detour is a collection of some of those odd tales from the road with nuggets of wisdom sewn in. So sit back and relax while we better ourselves through the misfortune of others.

In the words of Mark Twain, “Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions.”

Of course, those experiences don’t always have to be firsthand. There are plenty of lessons to be learned from the bad decisions of others, as well.

Take, for example, this collection of some of those odd tales from the road with nuggets of wisdom sewn in. Sit back and relax while we better ourselves through others’ misfortune.

Honesty is the best policy

In most instances, the truth will set you free.

But a trucker in Washington County, Wis., recently learned it may be better just to keep your mouth shut.

While traveling along Interstate 41 from Green Bay to Milwaukee, the driver was involved in a rollover crash. Now, before you get all sympathetic, it turns out the driver’s blood alcohol level was 0.297 – over seven times the legal limit of 0.04 for truckers.

It’s safe to say driving in that condition wasn’t the best decision. In a stroke of instant karma, Washington County Sheriff Martin Schulteis, who was off duty at the time, saw the whole thing go down.

Schulteis said the trucker was having a “hard time maintaining the lane of traffic,” so he decided to pull up next to the vehicle to see if the driver was distracted or experiencing a medical emergency. Neither was the case.

“I very quickly saw that he was coming into my lane of traffic, so then I needed to take … action and get into the shoulder,” Schulteis told WISN News. “He started slowing down. He signaled a lane change to pull off onto the shoulder of the road, and he kept pulling off onto the shoulder of the road and pulled into the grass and then rolled over.”

The driver had to be extricated from the vehicle.

When the deputies asked him what happened, he replied that he was just “really drunk.”

There are plenty of names you could call this driver, but “liar” isn’t one of them. Fortunately, in this case, the truth did not set him free.

The nightmare is over

As the National Hockey League’s second all-time leading scorer, it’s safe to say that former Pittsburgh Penguin Jaromir Jagr has his legacy as a hockey great, well, on ice.

In fact, the 52-year-old Jagr is currently playing for a team he owns in his native Czech Republic and is the oldest player to score a goal in professional hockey, surpassing Mr. Hockey himself, Gordie Howe.

This past February, the Penguins retired Jagr’s No. 68 jersey, with the team announcing its intention to celebrate the Pittsburgh great with a bobblehead – because nothing says “thanks for the memories” quite like a plastic replica of your likeness with an oversized head.

The team had planned to distribute the bobbleheads to fans at a game that Jagr would be attending. However, in a cruel twist of fate, the prized figures were stolen before the game.

“While this unfortunate incident adds to the legend of Jaromir Jagr … we look forward to resolving this theft and delivering the prized Jagr bobbleheads to their rightful homes, with our fans,” said Kevin Acklin, the Penguins’ president of business operations.

The team gave fans in attendance a voucher for the bobbleheads, in the event the stolen merchandise was located. And sure enough, it was.

In a statement from the Penguins, team officials said a “special cargo recovery team” had successfully “negotiated the return of the stolen property to a secure warehouse located in Ontario, California.”

The team did not identify the individuals behind the heist, but it sounded like they were negotiating with kidnappers or something. I assume they got a ransom note with letters and words cut from magazines.

After the shipment arrived in Pittsburgh, the figurines were united with their rightful owners. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?

A fowl face-off

I’m no zoologist, and perhaps this is something you already know, but apparently wild turkeys cannot be destroyed. One trucker recently discovered this the hard way.

While traveling from Portland to Medford, Ore., the driver noticed a turkey coming at him from a grassy median. The bird took flight – shattering the truck’s windshield and slamming directly into the face of the unsuspecting trucker. The driver was knocked unconscious, veered off into a field and hit a small tree.

According to the Oregon State Police, the trucker was life-flighted to a nearby hospital with severe head injuries. Meanwhile, the bird left through a window in the truck, seemingly unfazed from its recent encounter with the windshield.

The driver is now on the mend and claims to have no memory of the fowl fiasco. His daughter told a local news station that he’s taking the whole ordeal in stride.

“So the first thing I said to him in the hospital room was something along the lines of, ‘So you took a turkey cannon to the face.’ Then he was laughing a lot,” she said.

Nothing like the love and support of your family. Honestly, I would have likely said something similar. After you take a wild turkey to the face, what else is there to do but laugh?

My mind immediately drifts back to 1999, when actor and model Fabio was smacked in the face by a goose while taking the inaugural ride on a rollercoaster. If Fabio can live to tell the tale, then I would like to believe a trucker can match his moxie.

Long story short, turkeys cannot be destroyed, and I’m now living in fear of the day they rise up and revolt.

Playing possum

It turns out the turkey isn’t the only member of the aviary community that cannot be trusted. The golden eagle also can be added to that list.

In a recent Facebook post, police in Belle Fourche, S.D., shared the story of a driver who was just trying to help an injured animal.

However, upon returning to his truck, the driver got an unexpected surprise – the eagle “came to life” and was now perched on the truck’s dash.

With the assistance of the driver, two officers were able to safely remove the eagle from the truck. Volunteers from a local animal rescue then took the bird to receive medical care.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No good deed goes unpunished. I’m sure that driver will check for a pulse before scooping up roadkill again. LL