It’s none of your business what I’m doing behind my mask, Larry

July 28, 2020

Wendy Parker


That’s right, I said it. Mask.

For all the knuckleheads who only read the headlines before posting comments, you’re absolutely right this time. This piece is about wearing a mask. Now scurry off to your silliness in the comments, and I’ll scurry off to mine in the blog.

I don’t have to tell you why I wear a mask, but I will. It has nothing to do with politics.

I survived breast cancer last year, and I’ll be damned if a stupid virus is going to take me out after living through mangling my physical body and having near-fatal doses of radiation shot into my chest just to stay on this side of the mortal coil.

No way, no how I’m going to race through a quarter-million dollars’ worth of cancer treatments so someone who takes offense to strapping a two-dollar mask on their blowholes can keep me from aggravating as many people as possible for as long as possible.

Not gonna happen.

When wearing your mask, make the best of it.

But, consider this scenario.

You have to attend the quarterly driver’s meeting with Larry the safety guy. You don’t like Larry – he’s abrasive and you’d like to tell Larry to do obscene things to himself that are physically impossible, but, alas, safety meetings are mandatory. But now, so are masks.

So when Larry starts talking about what a stellar 6-month driving career he had, you can silently whisper all the things you’ve wanted to tell Larry about his crappy excuses for safety meetings for three years – and Larry will never know.

Some people call this “passive aggressive.” I call it psychological survival. Tomato, tomahto. Remember, it’s none of Larry’s business what’s going on behind your mask. That’s your own private space. So take that, Larry.

Speaking of privacy behind the mask, you can also grow facial hair without being judged.

I’m talking to the menopausal women out there. I don’t know about you, but as a 52-year-old woman, I relish in not having to wax my lip anymore. I’ll need a full-face Wolfman wax when this is over, but I’m sure as heck enjoying leaving that personal care behind these days.

And of course, we all know that both hands on the wheel is the best way to obtain optimum safety. We also know that after hours of driving, snacks are not only necessary, they prevent road rage in those of us who may or may not get “hangry.”

Now masks aren’t required in vehicles when you’re alone, that’s for sure so far, but we’re talking about some upsides to the dang things.

Now, instead of having to pull over and dig out a snack from the plastic container you keep on the passenger seat (or wherever you keep the snack box) you can fill your mask with your preferred snacks first thing in the morning and be satisfied with gobbling M&Ms out of your handy-dandy feed bag/mask at your leisure, while keeping both hands firmly on the wheel and not losing any time at all.

I think we can theorize from this piece alone that people who wear masks are just happier overall. Try it. You may just find a way to make it work for you. Lemonade from lemons, folks.

In all seriousness, I’d like to extend a sincere thanks to those who are practicing newly imposed health precautions. As an immunocompromised individual, I can’t tell you how scary it is to think you may be doing everything you can to be safe but because another person doesn’t feel the same urgency, you could still become gravely ill.

We see you and we appreciate you. Please be safe out there.

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